Homes of the Heart

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the meaning of home. Is home where I rest my head? The space in my heart my cat fills? Him snuggled up next to me?

Is where my fiance rests home for me? Waking up with him next to me? Is home my apartment, with its many rooms and meditative space? Is home his house, where so many happy memories dwell? Or is home his cat, who we picked out together shortly after we started dating?

Is home the lake by my apartment I sometimes watch the sun rise over? Is it the nearby tree, scarred by lightning, that has greeted me every walk through the park since moving across the country? Is home my parent's house, where I spent most of my formative years?

Maybe home is found in all of them.

For the first time, though, I'm ready to give one of those homes up.

The first night I fell asleep next to my fiance after beginning to move my things into his spare room, I woke up in the middle of the night. I opened my eyes full of wonder at the fact I could wake up in the same house as him from now on, and snuggled closer, falling back asleep with a smile on my face.

Then a second night passed. A third.

I keep waking up smiling.

I brought my cat over. He's been purring on his heated mat when not curled up in my arms. My fiance's cat, skittish and shy, is still adjusting, but seems cautiously happy about the changes.

There is so much that is new about this. Sharing space is not a thing I am accustomed to, but I feel so lucky every day I wake up near this amazing man. So lucky to have so many of my homes colliding and combining. So lucky to be alive in a world with cats and the family I've built. So lucky to be here, in this moment, alive.

Engaged

This past week has been a whirlwind. On April 11, I proposed to my partner. He said yes. Every ounce of my being has been radiating joy since that moment.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have him in my life. I didn't know it was possible to feel joy like this, or safety, or to have someone reciprocate all the sweet gestures that I make as a matter of course without treating it as a burden. I hadn't grown along with someone like I have with him before, in ways that made us both stronger and better and more confident people. We trust each other. We love each other. And we communicate.

I wrote all my feelings for him in a poem, and titled it Symbiosis. On Saturday, I shared it with him.

"I didn't understand symbiosis until I met you.
I had forgotten what a scale looked like when it was balanced,
how kindness returned can almost feel like floating.
I had never tasted safety until I kissed your lips,
never grew better for the growth I granted others.

Then there was you, and the way you looked at me.
The feel of your hand in mine, the thoughtful gifts:
Art for art, love for love. I grew stronger every smile,
started dreaming of your touch, started dreaming
of forever. I didn't know that I could love like that.

Love like a steady rock in a storm, like roots
growing intertwined, like fairy tales, only better,
because we talk through our fights and grow closer.
Love like holding each other up in rough seas of life,
because the world is sometimes stormy,

but our love is all sunlight. Love like vitality,
like a wash of warmth revitalizing my life,
like "I can do anything with you by my side."
Love like a ring glimpsed in a dream
of a future I am grabbing with all of my heart.

I didn't understand symbiosis until I met you.
Now I can't imagine life without you by my side.
All this a metaphor-heavy way to tell the story of
the four words pounding in my every heartbeat.
'Will you marry me?'"

As I read the last line, I dropped to one knee and pulled out a ring.

The moment he said yes ranks as one of the best moments of my life, but it wouldn't have been possible without the time and trust and love we'd built. I've been thinking a lot today about all the little moments we were there for each other, and how it feels to be confident in love. To be better for knowing and loving someone, just as they are for knowing and loving you. I've been thinking about how we could be confident in each other because we had the hard conversations, and we did our best to always do so in a way that made both of us feel safe while still being honest with each other.

I've been thinking about how love alone isn't enough, but love and effort and reciprocity, communication and trust and compatibility... all those things can build a home in someone else's heart. I'm glad I didn't settle for less than that joy.

Spot of Wonder

As the car rumbled across the highway, I noticed leaves flaming with fall. It's the beginning of August, and there's already omens of my favorite season. Staring at the brilliant reds and oranges, I drew in my breath at the wonder of nature. Maybe the hot days are fading.

The progression of seasons is still a new thing for me. Coming from central Arizona, I'm used to varying shades of too hot and little else. I'm grateful for seasons, though. Without the rest of the seasons, I might not know how wonderous fall truly is.

First, there's the temperature. Cooler, certainly, sometimes even chilly. It's cool enough to walk through even for my poor heat tolerance, but rarely snowy. Perfect walking weather.

Then there's the leaves. Besides the temperature, seeing leaves change colors is my favorite part of Autumn. The brilliant colors the trees light up with remind me of flames and the importance of change and letting the past go.

Fall is coming. What changes are you welcoming with it?

Spot of Wonder

I've spent the morning curled up on the couch with my partner and my metamour, showing each other music and eating together. The flowers I bought for Nikki are blooming bright and beautiful, bringing spring to the winter in a flash of daisies and yellows. Earlier I sipped blueberry tea with honey to soothe my sick throat, and now I'm about to start my day of errands, homework, and spending time with friends.

I still can't get over how full my life feels these days, and nearly all of it good. A room away, Nikki is starting to cook for a potluck later, and walking up the street through the park to my best friend's house flashes through my mind. Just then, Nikki takes a break from cooking and kisses my shoulder as she walks into the next room. As I smile at her, I've never felt more home in a person's eyes.

A year ago, my life would seem unimagineable: too good to exist. It still does, but I'm living it. My metamour walks in to the kitchen where I'm standing now, catching her breath from a jaunt through the cold outside, and I realize again that I have a family among my friends and loved ones as she smiles in my direction.

My five years on testosterone was less than two weeks ago. My twenty-ninth birthday is in four days. I smile as I glance around my home. I love my life.

Spot of Wonder

Wonderful memories from a wonderful 5 days with my amazing partner. I feel like I'm floating.

A journal found wandering a 3 story Barnes and Noble by the Chesapeake Bay

Petting jellyfish at the National Aquarium

Dressing up just because

Cooking together

Flowers

The kitchen herbs I'm growing for her sprouting

Spot of Wonder

Life has been a lot lately. What with the political nightmare in the US, I've been pretty drained and overwhelmed. Yesterday was even more of a slice of hell, though, so I'm taking this moment to be grateful for the people in my life.

When I got harassed and frightened at uni yesterday, my friends rallied around and messaged me support and encouragement. My bestie pushed me to report the jerk, who worked at the school, and when I was crying in the hallway before class, my physics professor went with me to the dean's office to report the person at a higher level. My boyfriend, unfortunately far away in Florida, listened to me vent and offered e-hugs, support, and anger on my behalf.

I feel lucky to have such a wonderful, supportive group of people around me, and grateful to know that when the going gets hard, I'm not alone like I used to be. So for the friends reading this, I love you all, and for the future friends, I love you too. I feel so lucky, even amidst the stress.

~<3

Spot of Wonder #3

I'm happier than I've ever been, and so grateful for my life and the people in it. I never thought I'd be so at peace and in love with every moment I live, but I wake up every day excited for the new morning. I didn't know that life could feel so full. I didn't know that I could still feel alive with motivation while happy and at peace. I don't want to escape anymore. I want to live.

Spot of Wonder #2

Coming out of a very rough patch of sad and death. Today I woke up with a smile and a sappy heart for the first time in about a week. So here's a mussy-haired, freshly awake me signing "I love you."

Because, of course, I do.

Spot of Wonder #1

Today I found wonder in my cat's sleepy face, and the way he curled up with his toebeans on display. He keeps me sane, and sometimes, on dark days, he keeps me alive.

He's a good cat, too. He's trainable, will cuddle with me for 10 straight hours (I've timed it), and listens when I tell him no. He'll purr at the vet, never go to the bathroom outside the litterbox, and run to the door when I come home. He'll groom my hair, give me kisses, and burrow under my blankets.

My act of self-care today will be to take a little extra time to cuddle my cat and appreciate the joy he brings to my life. What will yours be?